I write sometimes because I feel sad, sometimes I write because I feel happy, sometimes I write because I need to feel. To be honest there is so much to write about and so many reasons to write but tonight there only seems to be one thing I could possibly even consider writing about.
4 years ago at this time I lay in a hospital bed holding my first born. I was in awe of him. Quite honestly, I was in awe of all of it. I was in awe of the look on my husbands face during my long arduous labor, his support and care for me and our then unborn child, the sweet way this baby smelled and how he was so familiar to me at first sight, like he was always to be mine.
That moment there in that room felt like it took an eternity to get to, the pregnancy tests that were negative, the ones that were positive, and the dealing with loss, it was all a part of this moment for me. In that moment I knew it didn’t all make sense, I knew the sadness and pain weren’t gone, I also knew that my heart felt as if it could burst, my love was so intense, so real.
Becoming a mom and being a mom has been one of the wildest rides of my life, I’m acutely aware that not all people have the same experience and that some don’t have the experience at all and the pain in their longing is so real and seems so cruel to me. I know for me this journey is one of intense gratitude, guilt, fear, love, and uncertainty. I also know that there is nothing quite like knowing love. Wherever you find it, however you know the love for another person, that love cannot leave you where it found you. It’s impossible.
Tonight I’m writing because I’m happy. I’m also scared that my first baby is 4 (I know it seems silly but time is flying.) As I write I hear the sound of his feet upstairs and the many things he’s recounting of “his best birthday ever” to his dad and I’m realizing that his love has changed me.
The love of this boy (of all three of my boys) has been the gift of a lifetime.
Happy birthday, Vincent, thanks for making me a mom!
I would love to hear from you about the loves in your life that have changed you and how they have.