If you’re anything like me you have a few pounds you’d love to shed, you blame it on baby weight and yes indeed that’s where it started. The extra desserts and wine have nothing to do with mine, so buzz off if that’s what you’re going to imply :). That’s not the weight I’m talking about here.
I’m talking about the weight of motherhood. It’s heavy, this raising people shit. Like seriously heavy the heaviest weight I’ve ever felt. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but at times it can feel too heavy. Like I cannot possibly lift it.
I read a blog post this morning, this one about supermom and yes, yes, yes is all I have to say. If you do nothing else today read this. Read it, believe it, and feel it. My friend, whom I adore, sent it to me. Because that’s what friends do they get you and they know you so well in this insanely uneasy motherhood journey so they send you stuff that will make you sob. I mean it. I cried because of the weight of it all.
This morning wasn’t perfect. Oh no not at all. If you could see my house right now you’d probably say “Liz, stop writing and clean this shit up.” Scratch that if you saw my house you’d probably say hey lets go get coffee you may need a break ;). My point being getting my kids out of the house for a halloween parade before 9:30 a.m. wasn’t as easy as my Pinterest boards would tell you it could be, not even close.
And I did it and you know what I felt the whole time. Dear Lord, please make me better at this. Please make me better. And then I read the post and I realized that I’m already doing it. These 2 boys that have been entrusted to my care for me to grow them up to be loving and kind, they’re mine and I’m doing it. Don’t get me wrong some days are WAY BETTER than others. Some days straight up suck, big time. But I’m doing it. And you know what’s even more than that. I’m more invested in this job as mom then I have ever been in anything in my whole life. EVER. Sorry old bosses, sorry old friends, sorry to my husband but I mean it. I take this job so seriously and I know that it is by far the most meaningful, purposeful, important, difficult, insanely rewarding, hair-pullingly frustrating job I will ever have. And that, my friends is the weight.
That’s why when I watch videos like She by an all time favorite, Rob Bell, I weep. And why when I read that amazing blog-post that inspired this post tears streamed. It’s why when I feel like I’m screwing it all up, I get jittery and anxious (or maybe that’s the caffeine since I cannot get enough of that because I was somehow blessed
screwed with early risers.) I know that I’m lucky. I know that there are people who look at me and think, she’s so lucky. And I know that I am. But I also know that I’m a major feeler. Like whoa. I always have been and there are times where it’s easier for me to push the emotions away so I’m not feeling drowned by them. I’m starting to realize this isn’t serving me, or my children, or the women I know and love. It’s not serving us at all.
I feel like the best thing I can do is to embrace the weight. Realize that the weight I gained when I was carrying my children inside was only a taste of the weight I would carry with me for the rest of my life being their mother. And I know this may seem nutty and crazy and a little bit too much but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. It’s a serious job. It’s a true gift. That doesn’t make it easy or perfect or less scary, it’s just the truth. My love for these boys is heavy, that makes me a good mom, I just know it. And somedays that may be the best I can do, but other days I will do far more and all shall be well because I am super mom whether I know it or not and you are, too.