Mom Guilt. You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about….the all consuming, constant, gnawing feeling that you are in fact doing it all completely wrong. Even as I blog right now. That awful naggy version of my own voice is ringing through my head.
“You should be doing x, y, or z. You should be making a meal plan-that’s what good mom’s do. You should’ve made yourself something better for lunch-what is it with you and these dumb quesadillas, you’re children will not ever learn about healthy eating watching you. Speaking of what are they learning watching me?!?! I have to stop cursing. Heck, I almost just cursed in that sentence, that last one right there about cursing. Wait, but I like cursing. But nobody like kids who curse so there’s that and I really want people to like my kids. Oh no what if nobody likes my kids because they are misbehaved. It’s obviously because I don’t have enough structure. Why don’t I have more structure?! My days should totally be more scheduled….or should they not be scheduled and I should throw away my clocks and to-do lists, I’m sure they’re bad for kids somehow.”
Are you exhausted?! Yes, you the reader…are you even still there?! That soliloquy may seem unreal, forced even. Let me tell you something it doesn’t even scratch the freaking surface….I know that’s a border-line curse but this blog isn’t for kids plus thankfully my kids are too young to read yet (please don’t tell me they’re supposed to already be reading?!!?!)
I could teach a course on Mom-Guilt. I could teach you how to have it, how to dwell in it, but what I really need to learn is how to tell it to bug off, leave me alone, I’m done with it. Guilt sucks. And so does the exhaustion that comes from being a mom. a parent. a caregiver. It’s really hard, sometimes it’s awesome (and those times I’m like quick grab a camera-document it. We’re ALL having fun. SIMULTANEOUSLY. And then poof.)
You get my drift. If I was the lady in this picture. I’d be thinking why am I so calm, those kids are going to fall off the bed. But then I look at her and think. I’m always freaking out, never calm. Never relaxed, my kids are going to probably develop life long twitches because I yell so often.
As I think more and more about this post. I realize that it’s not just about the mom guilt it’s about negative self-talk. Negative self-image. Judging myself. ALL THE TIME. Phew. That feels good to let that out. My kids love me. I know it’s insane. But they really do. They love me so damn much (despite my bad mouth, and my nutty ways.) You should see them around me they basically CANNOT get enough and while I could totally keep going there into another one of my tirades and begin to analyze, criticize, and JUDGE- I’m not going to because I’m giving up on that stuff for right now 🙂