Last night I made dinner, debated for a while about whether or not I should go walking with a friend or go join another friend for wine. I worried about if I should put the kids to bed or let Chris. I thought maybe what I should really be doing is organizing this pile of ridiculousness that is beginning to spread like wild fire on top of my desk. And then I thought better of all of that and realized I should be sleeping, I’m tired. Or no wait I need to clean. This house is disgusting, I hate cleaning bathrooms. I should walk right?! I promised myself just this morning that I was going to exercise more…
Even just writing that makes me tired.
Can you relate?
Do you feel like you live in shoulds and shouldn’ts? I know they aren’t words to be pluralized but I dare you to say that to my judgmental inner dialogue. Are you riddled by guilt? Do you feel like no matter what choice you make it’s going to be wrong or your going to wish you did the other thing? My hope is that you cannot relate. I hope for your sake, dear reader, that you have no idea what I’m talking about. I have a sneaky suspicion, however, that is not the case.
For those of you who are wondering what I did end up doing last night. I ended up fighting with Chris because I probably really wanted to fight with myself for being so judgmental so mean but I’m not that insane (well, actually I am that insane but I guess I was too tired to come up with that idea.) I walked (it felt great!) I joined my friend for a glass of wine on her patio (it was perfect!)
I ended up talking with my friend about the fact that we judge ourselves so much and she totally understand. She was right there with me. We both knew the feeling of being consumed by judgement. And as I sat there with her I couldn’t help but wonder why? Why do we feel like all of this judgement is worth our precious time? Why do we get stuck in this cycle of feeling bad? I judge myself so much and have so much guilt that I even feel guilty about that. I mean that’s ridiculous.
When I left my friends house I thought more about our conversation and then I realized that sometimes you just gotta say enough is enough. When that guilt creeps in and you think what should I do? Sometimes I need to start just saying shut up. I’m not listening to you. I’m doing this because I want to and that in itself can be enough.
I’m saying it now. Enough is enough with this guilt and self-judgement. It just is.
Enjoy your weekend. Be gentle with you. I’m going to try and do the same.